In the event you’ve been single and within the relationship world for a very long time (a relative time period, so take it as you’ll), you’ve possible stumbled throughout a “serial dater” sooner or later.
A serial dater is a novel breed. They fall someplace in between a informal dater — an individual who deliberately seeks very lighthearted romantic or sexual connections (typically seeing a number of companions directly) — and a serial monogamist — an individual who goes from one relationship into the following with out spending a lot time alone in between them. The serial dater is one who loves the fun of the chase and the joy of the start, then jumps ship — to a primary date with one other particular person — earlier than something too critical can develop. They usually love the facility of doing so.
The factor that makes serial daters so attention-grabbing and, sadly for you, engaging, is that they’re grasp manipulators. I’m not saying they’re unhealthy folks — generally, this behaviour isn’t even on a acutely aware degree! — however they sometimes current themselves to be completely different from who they are surely. In the event you’re in search of a real and lasting relationship, that’s clearly an issue.
Eek, so what makes somebody a serial dater?
Serial daters are usually people who find themselves both hooked on energy dynamics (having the higher hand), or very afraid of being rejected. It’s typically a mixture of each. And once I say afraid of rejection, I imply very afraid, to some extent that they should be the particular person to reject you earlier than you could possibly actually have a probability to depart them. Oftentimes, they string you alongside **simply** lengthy sufficient that you just’re tempted to decide to them and provides all of them the reassurance on this planet, then the second you’re weak, they draw back. How. Irritating.
Many serial daters really take pleasure in breaking apart with folks, as a result of their concern of rejection or thrill of the chase typically comes from a spot of deep insecurity. They love the validation that comes from realizing anyone wished to be with them, whether or not or not the emotions had been mutual. They could need intercourse, nevertheless it’s normally the love of one other fascinating person who will get them going. Then as soon as they’ve that — and so they see your emotions are turning the situationship into one thing extra critical — they bail…simply to pursue the identical energy wrestle with another person.
Sounds enjoyable, huh? I do know…by no means. So listed here are the indicators to be careful for if you’re seeing a brand new potential companion, to make sure you don’t find yourself falling beneath the spell of but one other serial dater:
1. Serial daters prefer to have actually lengthy dates early on.
Clearly, this isn’t a black-and-white rule: Some fully emotionally obtainable, relationship-oriented folks take pleasure in hours-long dates, particularly in the event that they really feel an instantaneous connection. And there’s nothing incorrect with that! However serial daters typically rely on drawn-out dates to have an opportunity to brush you off your toes and seize your consideration (and thus their gratification) from the beginning. They get off realizing they “hooked” you, so of their eyes, the earlier and sooner, the higher.
2. Serial daters randomly go off the grid.
The man who’s been texting you nearly daily instantly goes MIA for per week, then comes again with some dramatic excuse (“Sorry, my grandma died”). Whether or not their motive is legit or not, in the event that they do this kind of disappearing-act-plus-OTT-explanation factor repeatedly, they clearly like to make use of drama as a option to win your sympathy.
Be sincere: You’re extra prone to grant particular exceptions to their behaviour — and even really feel such as you’re having some intense bonding expertise with them — once they make you consider that solely one thing catastrophic would preserve them from speaking to you. Don’t fall for it!
3. Serial daters pull out all of the stops.
I don’t need to spoil the thought of grand romantic gestures, as a result of these will be superb (from the precise particular person). However on condition that serial daters are likely to do issues on repeat, they know which buttons to push, in a great way. They’re much less prone to go gradual and construct a friendship whereas courting you and more likely to orchestrate a fast and dramatic (that phrase once more!) starting, full with all of the hearts and flowers.
A phrase to the clever: If it feels a bit an excessive amount of too quickly for issues to be real, it most likely is.
4. Serial daters prefer to make you jealous.
Sadly, lots of people use jealousy as a way of feeling higher about themselves — as in, in the event that they’re capable of make their companion even a bit jealous, then they clearly should actually care about them. Making an attempt to make somebody jealous isn’t wholesome — and it typically backfires (that’s a distinct story) — however that’s what serial daters typically do.
You would possibly hear them discuss adventures with their mates of the other intercourse, or randomly carry different ladies’s names into conversations. On the finish of the day, they’re sometimes extra targeted on incomes your consideration than on constructing a relationship, and so they’ll cease at nothing to get it. (Then, as talked about, they bail as soon as they do.)
5. Serial daters typically make grandiose statements.
In the event you ever hear feedback like, “I used to be a participant earlier than I met you,” “I’ve by no means opened as much as somebody like this earlier than,” or “I’ve by no means felt critical about anybody till now,” let your self really feel the feels, however then think about the context.
Has this particular person additionally talked about their intentions and needs — a.ok.a. what they’re trying for of their relationship course of? Have they really communicated that they need to construct a relationship with somebody? Do their phrases match as much as their actions — are they planning dates with you (and sticking to them), being weak, and displaying future-oriented pondering? If not, or in the event you’re getting combined indicators, you’ll have a serial dater — albeit a really charming one — in your arms.
6. Serial daters are usually the one to depart their exes.
Actual discuss: You’re most likely not going to dive into the ex information in your first or second date with somebody (typically a good suggestion). However after the primary few dates or weeks when issues are going properly, particularly in the event you’re confused about their intentions, you would possibly need to casually carry up the convo.
Ask this particular person about their final two or three relationships, particularly how critical they had been and the way they ended. If it comes out that they had been the one to finish each main relationship, take a minute to digest that. Somebody who ends relationships rapidly would possibly lack problem-solving expertise (that are clearly mandatory for a wholesome LTR), and somebody who repeatedly leaves folks wanting extra from them might need a sample that’ll proceed for a very long time. Take into consideration whether or not you and your lovely coronary heart could be higher off not happening that highway to seek out out.
Can a serial dater change?
Properly, I certain hope so, or there’d be a tragic variety of outdated single folks on this planet! I child.
After all, many individuals develop out of unhealthy relationship behaviours when they’re actually able to quiet down and discover The One. That may occur with age or a sudden surge in maturity, however both means, they must need to not be a serial dater anymore.
Right here’s the place you are available: Whereas I’d by no means advocate ready round on somebody who clearly isn’t able to commit, I do advocate taking again the facility, by letting this particular person know that you really want and deserve extra. Play laborious to get, go on dates with different folks, reside your life and have enjoyable.
In the event you make it clear that this serial dater isn’t simply going to “get you,” if they need you badly sufficient, they’ll change their methods to make a relationship work. And in the event you stroll away and so they don’t come after you? Properly then, you simply dodged a bullet — and confirmed them who’s boss. What’s extra highly effective than that?
This text was initially revealed on Intercourse & Relationship.